PERITOPIA!

I love the folks at the Ukiah Daily Journal for being smoking sarcastic — quite an accomplishment in Northern California — a land where people are offended if you don’t smile and say hi every single time you see them.  Anyway, the UDJ pointed out a “new” store in the County seat: the Grateful Psychonauts (“your one-stop shop for all the Grateful Dead products you’ll ever need”.  We just keep partying like it’s 1969 up here!

>>Remember those thrilling days of not-so-long-ago when Ukiah was Number One? It seems like only yesterday, or maybe 1999, that some incompetent fool of a dishonest demographer put out a book that ranked Ukiah the Number One Small Town in California, and sixth best in all the land. I laughed so hard I broke something between my lungs and stomach and had to miss a week of work. I don’t even think anyone on the Chamber of Commerce took it seriously, but still. It was kinda cool, like some Special Olympics kid being named honorary MVP of the Major League All Star game, or Barack Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize.<<  We\’re (not) Number One!

“Crime” in Mill Valley was crazy in February.  I counted 25 “reportable offenses” (and, for those new to this blog, that includes things like tailgating, fighting with a spouse or neighbor, sleeping in bushes and making too much noise).  So, here we go — because I can’t resist.

>>Suspicious Person: Wordsworth Court at 10:30 am.  Caller reported a black or Hispanic male opening carport doors and looking in.  Officer responded and contacted male subject, who was a PG&E worker checking meters.  No merit.<<  Obviously, being black or Hispanic makes you suspicious in MV — but that just begs the question, how do you make yourself unsuspicious?Walk around with a pool sweeper or a gardening hose?  Keep asking for directions?  Hire a posse?

>>Penal Code Violation: Alvarado Avenue and Del Casa Drive at 9 pm  Caller stated while in the hot tub he and his wife saw someone taking pictures of them.  No flash seen but heard person running away.  Officer responded and found a camera placed over a gate near the hot tub.  Report on file.<<  The scene of this “crime” must have been special.  Something tells me they didn’t get out of the hot tub.

>>Assist Fire: Sunnycrest Avenue and Mono Way at midnight.  Caller was requesting being brought back to Marin General Hospital to have her IV unit removed from her arm.  Caller transported to hospital.<<  OK, there seem to be only two possibilities here. Either, this is an example of hospital negligence — but I doubt hospitals discharge patients at midnight — OR the caller escaped from the hospital — in which case, why would she want to go back?  And can’t you just remove an IV unit on your own anyway?  We really would benefit from knowing the back story here.

>>Parking Complaint/Violation: Mill Valley Community Center at 8 am.  Anonymous caller reported a vehicle parked in the handicapped spot.  Caller was extremely upset that the vehicle had Nevada license plates but a California disabled placard.  Officer responded — no merit.<<  At last, confirmation that you can be disabled anywhere without having to register your vehicle there.  But don’t think it’s going unnoticed in MV because, well, nothing does.

>>Assist Citizen: Boyle Park at 10:30 am  Caller was involved in an accident and was requesting to speak to an officer as the other driver gave her expired insurance information.  Caller was now worried about it.  Advice given.<<  Yet another instance of the MV police fulfilling their motto (at least, the one I gave them) “to serve, protect, and counsel.”

>>Civil Problem/Dispute: Public Safety Building at 9:15 am  Female subject came into the station to report that she was being chased and felt she’s being stalked.  Male subject followed her into station and he said female is constantly reporting false allegations.  Advice given.<<   These two must be fun at parties.   The MV police must spend a lot of time asking, “WTF?”

>>Disturbance — Verbal: Miller Avenue at 12:20 pm.  Argument between husband and wife over money, phone, and separation.  No injuries.  Officer asked subjects to agree to get along for now.<<  Marriage counseling!  BTW, is it me, or does this sound like dinner conversation, not a reportable offense?  But we’ve already established you can report just about anything in Mill Valley, as long as it disturbs someone’s mellow.  Like this one:>>Family Disturbance: Mesa Avenue and Alta Vista Avenue at 4 pm  Caller reported her son was threatening the family with violence.  Son was yelling and throwing things.  Officer counseled son.<<  Must be great to be a teenager in MV, as long as you don’t make any noise.

>>Suspicious Circumstance: Miller Avenue at 8:45 pm.  Caller stated his wife came home and saw someone in the garage with a flashlight going through boxes.  Wife confronted him and he said he was a friend of the next-door neighbors and introduced himself and shook her hand.  Officer responded and spoke with neighbor, who identified male subject as his houseguest and said he was helping unload tools and he must have been confused as to which garage to put them away in.  No merit to burglary.<<   What, don’t ALL burglars in MV introduce themselves and shake your hand?  Come to think of it, they probably do.

>>Petty-Theft Report: Cypress Avenue at 10:45 am.  Caller reported sometime overnight her unlocked vehicle was entered and her wallet was stolen.  Debit card used already.  Report on file.<<  I hope this is just an inadvertent omission of the usual “advice given” because someone must have told this caller, “lock your car.”  See also >>Petty-Theft Report: Edgewood Avenue at 3 pm.  Caller reported sometime overnight her unlocked vehicle was gone through and a $250 iPod was taken.  Report on file.<<  BTW, only in MV could someone manage to pay $250 for an iPod.

>>Health and Safety Violation: Mill Valley Community Center at 12:30 am.  Caller reported a group of five adults in front of the aquatic building smoking weed.  There was an adult party going on and caller wanted the group contacted.  Officers arrived and checked area, but unable to locate subjects.<<  I applaud the use of the technical term “smoking weed” for this offense.

>>Noise Disturbance: Elm Avenue at 9:15 am.  Caller said neighbor was using a chain saw to cut wood and he wanted it stopped.  Caller made same report yesterday and was told there was no violation.  Advice given.<<  I am fairly certain — because this involves noise — it is a violation in MV.   At a minimum, it falls under the category of “vandalism” — just like spilling things, messing up grass, and putting your handprint on a window.

>>Petty-Theft Report: Safeway market at 1 pm.  Caller reported that two days ago his unlocked vehicle was entered and 30 tables of Vicodin were taken.  Report on file.<<  Guess it took him two days to notice.  Who would report such a thing anyway?  Unless he wanted a reason to go back to his doctor and get more.

>>Grand-Theft Report: Miller Avenue at 6:30 pm.  Caller reported that two hampers full of clothes were taken from her carport.  Approximate value of $100.  No report necessary, just wanted police to know and requested extra patrol.  Advice given.<<  You gotta’ wonder why this is “grand theft.”  And, aren’t these MV folks considerate, letting police know without having to go to the effort of filing a report?  Really frees up more time for counseling.

>>Disturbance — Verbal: Champagne French Bakery at 3:34 pm.  Caller had an altercation with a dog and a passing male.  The male was very aggressive.  Caller stated the male and his daughter were in front of the restaurant with the small dog and then hung up.<<  This is the caller who needs Vicodin.

Vancouver medals in condom distribution

This has got to be one of the funniest articles I’ve ever read.  So, the basic point is, they handed out a LOT of condoms to anybody who wanted them at the 2010 Olympics.  But then, the articles goes on to say:

>>How many of them were actually used is an impossible question to answer.<<  Why?  People tweet about their sex lives all the time — would it be so hard to ask them to text a message saying, “used it?”  I think not.  Heck, John Mayer would probably do it in a heartbeat, tell you what color, how many times, what it was like and then write a song about it.

>>Some say condoms were snagged as souvenirs, although Adams said they were not branded with Olympic rings.<<   Why not?  The rings could go on or AROUND the condom!  Don’t tell me everybody didn’t think the exact same thing reading this. Well, except the moron in charge of Olympic branding.

>>He said he did hear stories of athletes from countries with inferior condoms stuffing their suitcases with the coveted rubbers.<<  Why are these “coveted” condoms?  They look just like regular condoms.  Maybe they have some extra-super-duper strong material because they are being given out to Olympic athletes?  If so, what kind of condoms has everybody else been using?  And, really, don’t you want your most “inferior” condoms to go to your most superior athletes?  Don’t tell me China isn’t all over this already.

Marijuana Use Can Up Psychosis Risk

>>But the association between psychosis and marijuana use is not simple, the researchers noted. They found that people who’d experienced hallucinations earlier in life were also more likely to have used marijuana longer and to use it more frequently.<<

Ah, the classic chicken-or-the-egg problem!  I’m sure the peeps up here will confirm that they use marijuana BECAUSE they keep seeing those colors, but the marijuana doesn’t make the colors.  Well, maybe some of the colors.  And stuff.  What?

68-year-old Covelo woman sentenced to prison in meth case

>>Police said they found more than seven ounces of methamphetamine at her home, a .22 caliber Derringer pistol and about $30,000 cash in a Tri Counties Bank safe deposit box.<<

Maybe they should raid some of the “retirement communities” around here?  I’m guessing they’re not playing pinochle…

California to Go \’Cuss-Free?\’

Typical.  Too bad Chelsea Handler and Howard Stern aren’t here to pay this legislation the fitting tribute it deserves.

So, after losing power last night because someone “ran into a power line” (hate it when that happens), I wake up to read this:

>>A heated debate about how to balance the county budget ended abruptly Tuesday, with the Mendocino County Board of Supervisors having taken no action after almost four hours of discussion.  Chairwoman Carre Brown passed her gavel and invoked “the 5:30 rule,” a locally adopted procedural rule that allows a board member to summarily end the meeting.  ”I think we’re at a stalemate,” Brown said. “And I think it’s going to get nasty if we go on further.”<<  Supervisors\’ budget discussion turns tense

All I can say is, they should go global with the 5:30 rule.  In case you are new to this blog, getting nasty is, in fact, a crime in Northern California.

Well, thank goodness, “crime” is pretty much the same in Ross Valley as Mill Valley — and, by same, I mean virtually non-existent.  Once again, the Ross Valley “police” seem to act more like therapists than law enforcement officers — bless their souls.  (PS–am going to find another topic to blog about shortly–it’s just nothing else seems to make me laugh as hard).

>>Disturbance: A resident on Ross Avenue was trying to sleep, but her roommate continued to argue with her at 6 a.m.  An officer remained on the scene until one of them fell asleep.<<  Wow, I had no idea the police will actually do this — obviously, the officer had time to spare.  I hope he or she got to raid the refrigerator and conduct illegal search and seizures as a perk.

>>Noise: A resident on Ross Avenue reported her boyfriend was being loud and was going to wake up the neighbors.  Officer responded and contacted both parties.  Both agreed to stop talking to each other for the night.<<  I’m going to assume this critical intervention took place over the phone.  I wonder how pathetic you have to be to call the police so they can tell you to shut up and go to bed?

>>Disturbing the Peace: A juvenile reported having been hit in the face by his mother on Sunnyhills Drive at 12:43 a.m.  Officer responded and a report was taken.  Later, Police Department was called again and the juvenile was arrested and booked in the Marin County Juvenile Hall for assault.<<  OK, I love how the so-called crime here was “disturbing the peace” — taking a page right out of Mill Valley!  Look, you guys can hurt each other all you want, just stop calling us!  You’re disturbing our mellow, dude.

>>Threats: A resident received a threatening message on a cell phone.<<  Ooooooo, creepy.  One possibility leaps to mind: “call me back — or I will REPORT you.”

>>Juveniles: Approximately eight juveniles and three adults were reported to be tearing up new sod in the playground on Butterfield Road at 1:48 p.m.  There was no merit to any crime.<<   WHAT???  Excuse me, police, but I believe, if you go and check the Ross Valley Penal Code, you will most definitely find that this constitutes VANDALISM.

>>Suspicious Circumstances: A man was apparently sleeping on the sidewalk on Forbes Avenue at 7:08 p.m. He was not under the influence of alcohol and was abated.<<  Now, you see, we’ve established many times that you cannot simply sleep on the sidewalk in Ross Valley or Mill Valley — even if you are just very tired.  And, let this report serve as a warning to anybody who tries — sleep and be ABATED.  As an aside, “abate” actually means “to make less active or intense.”  What kind of sleeping was this man doing anyway?

>>Suspicious Vehicle: There was a report of a slow-moving RV on Sir Francis Drake Boulevard at 7:49 a.m.  Officer observed it and it was driving with the flow of traffic.<<  Interesting report.  Would it have been okay if the RV had been going too fast?  Given the time, I’m guessing this report was made by a Type-A+ person.

>>Suspicious Circumstances: A reside on Sir Francis Drake Boulevard believed someone entered his residence and turned his heater off.<<  There are no such things as favors in Ross Valley.  Everything (literally) is “suspicous.”

>>Noise: There was a loud group of people on the soccer field on Belle Avenue at 9:19 p.m.  Officer contacted a group of juveniles playing soccer, who hadn’t noticed the time.<<  Didn’t notice the time?  A likely story.  Look, everyone knows you can’t have to much fun in Mill Valley — unless you do it very, very quietly — otherwise, you’ll get ABATED.

>>Suspicious Circumstances: A resident found a counterfeit $20 on Red Hill Avenue at 9:25 a.m.<<  I think what is suspicious is how the resident knew it was counterfeit.  I mean, and I’m just guessing, anything less than certainty, and we probably wouldn’t be reading about it — unless it was making noise.

>>Road Rage: A care was following another car closely, honking and flashing the lights, on Sir Francis Drake Boulevard at 5:52 p.m.<<  Obviously, this was the slow-moving RV reporter on his/her way home.  Or, it could have easily been me.

I know these police logs are getting routine, but they are so good I can’t help but write about them.  Once again, Mill Valley shines as an example of how very far you have to go to find actual crime in Marin County.

>>Suspicious Vehicle: Robertson Terrace at 10 a.m. Caller was out of town and had video surveillance of his driveway and he saw an older sedan backing up to his garage.  Could be the gardener but he drives a truck.  Officer responded and contacted gardener.<<  Wow, bet the Mill Valley police are just thrilled that people have video surveillance — gives them something to do! And, you have to ask, would the “Caller” have called if it had been a NEW sedan — or a sports car — or an SUV?  I’m thinking, not so much.  Too bad we don’t get to hear how this story ended.  Was it the gardener — or maybe the POOL GUY?!

>>Advice to Citizen: Ashford Avenue and E. Blithedale Avenue at 1:20 p.m. Caller had a road-rage incident with a driver in a white van.  She didn’t have license number or a description but she did have a handprint on her vehicle window where the other driver slammed the window.  Advice given.<<  Oh, come on!  What was the advice?  Take a deep breath.  Eat a brownie.   There’s an emergency yoga class up the street for this kind of thing.  And, btw, I love the handprint — to be entered in the federal handprint database?  Bet she thinks so.  She must be a lot of fun when it’s time to pick up the kids.

>>Non-injury accident: Almonte Boulevard and Miller Avenue at 12:45 p.m. Caller reported a vehicle in a ditch with six people inside, they appeared to be student age.  Officers and CHP responded to find all subject gone.<<  And not a trace of any controlled substances to be found…

>>Stolen-Vehicle Report: La Geona Street and Miller Avenue at 11:30 p.m.  Caller reported his vehicle last seen around noon.  Vehicle was locked, and he had keys.  Vehicle was not towed.  No merit.<<  This just confuses me.  Did they FIND the vehicle?  Or did they just assume he forgot where he parked it?  Or, maybe, aliens abducted the vehicle and, as we all know, that is WAY outside of the Mill Valley police’s jurisdiction.

>>Noise Disturbance: 700 block of East Blithedale Avenue at 2:45 a.m.  Caller reported street sweeping for over an hour.  Caller was told to call when noise occurred.  Officer responded and contacted sweeper driver and owner of company.  Work stopped.<<  So, implicit in this report is that the sweeping wasn’t going on at 2:45 a.m. — that’s just when the call occurred.  I think someone was drinking and reporting again…

>>Vandalism Report: Hazel Avenue at 7:30 a.m. Caller found a white paint stripe in front of his house.  Report on file.<<  Now, we know Mill Valley residents define “vandalism” very broadly (and are hyper-sensitive to noise), but this one seems like an accident to me.  Or, maybe this was the street sweeper’s revenge!

>>Suspicious Person: Blithedale Canyon at 11 a.m. Two females reported an older male in a sleeping bag off the side of the road in the bushes.  Officers contacted subject, who resides in Novato.  Novato Police Department said subject left this morning without taking meds and he needed to go back.  Subject given ride back to halfway home.  Subject didn’t meet crazy criteria, but came close.<<  OMG.  I hope there is an internal memo that spells out the “crazy criteria” in Mill Valley.  And, if being from Novato and having the audacity to leave and sleep in a bag off the road in Mill Valley bushes isn’t crazy, I don’ t know what is!

>>Advice to Citizen: Surrey Avenue at 11 a.m. Caller stated ongoing noise problems with neighbors.  Recent event concerned the slamming lid of a hot tub, noting that wife was home alone.  Advice given.<<   Why does it matter if the wife were home alone?  Does that somehow make it intentional slamming?  If I were the wife, I’d get out the leaf blower right away.

>>Assist Fire: Elm Avenue at 8 p.m.  Caller said a very tall tree, at least 15 feet, was down and partially blocking roadway and partly on his property.  Officer responded to find a small branch in roadway.  Officer moved branch to side of the road.<<  As if we needed any more proof that folks in Mill Valley have a different sense of proportion than most other people.   Makes me want to visit, in an older sedan, with some crayons, a trumpet and a lawn chair.   As long as I don’t meet the “crazy criteria” or leave any handprints, I should be okay.

There is no better gift you can give than the gift of the Mill Valley Police Log.  Once again, “crime” is simply rampant in that tony suburb.  And, in case there was any doubt, rich AND stupid are not mutually exclusive.  Here are my favs:

>>Juvenile Disturbance: Kipling Drive at 1:10 a.m.  Caller reported several rowdy, loud kids in front of her house.  Officer responded and contacted a sober adult on scene to pick up teens but she locked her keys in the car.  CSAA was en route.  Advised to keep quiet.<<  What does it say about a town when this was the only “sober” adult at the scene?  And, more importantly, why would you be a sober adult in MV if the police are going to make you chauffeur rowdy teens around?  I mean, it’s not like it’s LA.

>>Traffic Hazard: 500 block of W. Blithedale Avenue at 4:30 p.m.  Caller reported a vehicle was stuck halfway off the road and about to fall down a small hill.  The driver was in the vehicle and didn’t want to get out because there was a small creek nearby and he might get wet.<<   Respect the MV priorities!  Wonder if being about to fall down a big hill would have changed his mind.  Guess it depends on how nice his shoes were.

>>Juvenile Disturbance: Edna Maguire School at 8 p.m.  Caller reported a group of four juveniles at the school on skateboards, being loud.  Officer responded.  No crime.<<  WOW.  See, in the past, being loud was considered a crime in MV.  So, I assumed being loud AND on skateboard would mean hard time.  It’s just a hop, skip and a jump to ghetto from here.

>>Penal Code Violation: Madrona Street and Throckmorton Avenue at 6:20 p.m.  Caller said a security guard from a bar pulled  cigarette out of her hands and burned her.  Caller sounded as if she’d been drinking and couldn’t name the bar she was at.  Report on file.  <<  Um, sounds like the “sober” adult, if you ask me.  But, and much more importantly, why does MV have a bar with a security guard — let alone a security guard who hurts people?  Bet she was at a BANK, not a BAR.  They shouldn’t make those two words look so alike if you can’t see straight.