PERITOPIA!

Well, it happened.  The residents of Fort Bragg have grown familiar and comfortable navigating the new roundabout.  How do I know this?  Because just yesterday I watched a pick-up truck storm through without yielding to — or even noticing — roundabout traffic and going around 50mph.  And a few days before that some dude decided to pass me on the right using the other ridiculously superfluous lane.   And both of these events occurred during the day.  I can only imagine what nightfall will bring (read: drunks).  Needless to say, the clever town planners ought to seriously consider lining the concrete island in the middle with soft padding.  And a few speed bumps and a stop light wouldn’t be a bad idea, too.

Sure it’s pretty funny that this woman’s excuse for not giving them her license and registration was this:

I think there might be a little bit of constitutional revisionism going on here.  The founding fathers would most certainly have wanted to protect our freedom to travel about the country ON our private property (i.e., horse), but I am not so sure what they would have done if cars had been around back then.  But that’s not the funniest part of this story.  The funniest part is that she was pulled over for allegedly not wearing a seat belt.  Really?  On any trip up to Fort Bragg on any given day I can spot at least two or three moving violations — and that’s just at the stop signs.  Heck, they could just post one officer at the roundabout and probably fill whatever monthly ticket quota they have in single day.  I’m guessing, just guessing, it wasn’t just her seat belt the cops thought she was missing.

Woman jailed after refusal to cooperate with Fort Bragg police

So, just when I think it is safe to drive to Fort Bragg, the clever town planners surprise me and ADD ANOTHER LANE to the roundabout. At first, the second lane came without signage, adding to the confusion.  But now there is a sign: two squiggly lines purporting to show which lane you should be in, depending on where you want to go.  (As an aside, the choices here are Fort Bragg, Old Highway 1, Mendocino or Simpson Lane — you know, our versions of Avenue Charles de Gaulle, Avenue Victor Hugo, Avenue des Champs-Elysees, etc.).  Anyway, the squiggly lines are not confusing at all.  They just take about 5 seconds to interpret.  So, they are the pictorial equivalent of speed bumps.  Well done, town planners, well done.  Until nightfall, when nobody reads anything.

To the guy who said this at the town planning meeting:

>>One spokesperson said that a roundabout at Lansing and Main streets was a top priority and received a lot of laughter.

“I’m just kidding, of course,” he said.<<

So, I made a trip to Fort Bragg today and am pleased to report the new roundabout is almost complete!   Between the rednecks, the stoners and the retirees, I imagined we had a perfect trifecta of impaired judgment and/or motor skills for a roundabout to be a colossal failure.  Turns out, I was completely wrong.  Clearly, the town planners decided to forego something more common and simple (like a stop light) because they realized the only way to reduce the number of collisions at this intersection was to remove the intersection entirely and introduce a whole new shape!  And, just to make sure, the clever town planners went one step further and took away the “yield” signs.  So now, we have a whole new shape with unclear rules and no instructions.   That is very confusing.  Confusion slows the peeps down to a crawl.  To date, I haven’t been able to negotiate the roundabout above 5 mph, which is 10 mph BELOW the recommended roundabout speed limit.  Brilliant, town planners, brilliant.  Until nighttime and people forget there’s a roundabout, of course.

>>REPORT OF ROOSTER — Caller at 10:34 a.m. Tuesday reported a rooster near his/her location at the corner of Eastlick and Clay streets. Officer was unable to locate the animal.<<

Is this really a reportable event for a rural location?  Heck, I don’t even think anyone would notice

But not for long…because the folks over at the UDJ want to start CHARGING me to read the police log.  Um, last time I looked, that was public information.  And, sure, while I do enjoy the easy access and the UDJ reporter’s colorful (literally) descriptions, I’m not really willing to pay for that type of “content.”   They also made it really hard to cut and paste, probably because they figured out I was pillaging their pricey snippets for my own evil purposes.  Anyway, I guess I am going to have to expand my horizons and start blogging about other stuff.  On tap for this week is the Roundabout Update and Occupy Mendocino (which actually takes place in Fort Bragg — I’m guessing because it’s cheaper).  Before I go, however, I’d like to leave with his little gem.  I find it hard to believe there aren’t lots of people in Ukiah matching this description.

But I am relieved to see that the police blotter is now an even more accurate depiction of every day life here.

>>HIPPIES CAMPING — Caller in the 1200 block of South State Street reported at 8:20 a.m. Tuesday that “hippies” were camping in the grassy area behind the building. An officer responded and advised the subjects about city code.<<  And said code specifies that all hippies must camp in front of buildings.

>>MAN LYING ON SIDEWALK — Caller in the 1400 block of South State Street reported at 12:54 p.m. Tuesday that a man was lying on the sidewalk. An officer contacted the man, who said he was taking a nap. The man left upon request.<<  Sidewalks are for walking.  Post offices are for napping.

>>DOG IN TRUCK — Caller in the 200 block of East Perkins Street reported at 2:38 p.m. Tuesday that a dog had been locked in a truck for at least 15 minutes and was in distress. An officer responded and noted the dog was fine.<<  Because barking is not necessarily an expression of distress.  See Real Housewives of NYC.

>>ANOTHER DOG IN TRUCK — Caller in the 100 block of South School Street reported at 3 p.m. Tuesday that a dog was inside a white pick-up truck. An officer responded but the truck was gone.<<   We all know the truck wasn’t gone.  It was white and, therefore, camouflaged.

>>SUSPICIOUS ENVELOPE — Citizen turned in a “suspicious envelope” to the UPD at 5:12 p.m. Tuesday .<<  And the ever curious and dependable reporters at the UPD did nothing with it.

>>GREAT DANE AT WALMART — Caller from Walmart on Airport Park Boulevard reported at 7:28 p.m. Tuesday that a Great Dane keeps coming into the store.<<  So, he’s a thrifty Great Dane.

>>MAN ACTING STRANGELY — Caller in the 300 block of East Redwood Avenue reported at 8:01 a.m. Tuesday that a man was walking around “acting very strange.”<<  Hard to imagine what that means in Fort Bragg.  Allow me to take this opportunity to herald the installation of a roundabout.  THAT’s bound to be a great contributor to the police blotter.

>>MAN POOPING OUTSIDE — Caller in the 100 block of East Redwood Avenue reported at 1:20 p.m. Tuesday that a man had defecated next to a business. An officer responded and cited the 57-year-old Fort Bragg man for committing a public nuisance.<<  Note to self: poop quietly.

>>NASTY MEN IN HATS — Caller in the 300 block of North Main Street reported at 2:01 p.m. Tuesday that four men wearing hats were sitting on a bench yelling profanities at people passing. An officer responded and warned the group.<<  It’s not hat weather, guys, settle down.

>>MAN WALKING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET — Caller in the 700 block of North Main Street reported at 3:32 p.m. Tuesday that a drunken man in a tank top and shorts was walking down the middle of the street. An officer responded and arrested the 24-year-old man for being drunk in public.<<  His mistake was the tank top and shorts.  You know, if he had been wearing plaid and napping, he would never have been located.

I knew that waiting would pay off!

>>MAN REPORTING HIMSELF DRUNK — Caller behind the Club 7-11 at 4:31 p.m. Monday said he wanted to report himself as “very drunk.”<<  Anywhere else nobody would care BUT, as we know well, you cannot be drunk in public in Ukiah.  The mind reels at what the penalty is for being “very drunk” in public — or what the definition of being “very drunk” even is in Ukiah.  At least he was safely behind a 7-11 and not screaming at traffic (with all the other drunks).

>>MAN DRUNK, WORRIED ABOUT DYING — Caller in the 900 block of West Perkins Street reported at 5:43 p.m. Monday that hospital staff told him if he got drunk he could die, and now he is drunk and worried. Son transported him to Ukiah Valley Medical Center.<<  See, they tell you this, sir, so that you DON’T drink in the first place.  Drinking is the gating item to worrying and then, possibly, dying.  Don’t drink and die.  As an aside, why is this guy calling the police if his son is around to take him to the hospital?

It’s been a while, I know.  But today’s blotter broke up the monotony for me.

>>MAN REFUSING TO LEAVE — Caller in the 1100 block of Airport Park Boulevard reported at 12:12 a.m. Monday that a tall man with long, blond hair is refusing to leave. An officer responded but did not locate the subject.<<  How can you not locate Fabio?

>>MAN THREATENED BANK — Caller in the 700 block of South State Street reported at 9:48 a.m. Monday that a man made threats over the phone that he was going to go to Wells Fargo with a baseball bat and “take people out.” The Mendocino County Sheriff’s Office contacted the subject and warned him not to return to the bank.<<  Not really the kind of publicity Wells Fargo was looking for.  ”Hey, bank with us, at gun point.”

>>DEBIT CARD FRAUD — Caller on Scott Street reported at 3:39 p.m. Monday that someone used his debit card for more than $2,000 worth of purchases on iTunes.<<  Sooooooo, if my math is right, that’s like over a 1000 songs–on someone else’s iPod.

>>DOG JUMPING FENCE — Caller in the 1200 block of South Dora Street reported at 6:25 p.m. Monday that the neighbor’s dog keeps jumping his/her fence and almost knocking it over.<<  Guess the caller is reporting a jumping-impaired canine.

>>RV PARKED IN FRONT OF SUPER 8 — Caller from Super 8 reported at 8:27 p.m. Monday that a motorhome had been parked on South Orchard Avenue in front of the motel for three days and people were living in it. An officer checked the vehicle but there was no one in it.<<  And, yes, now you have a picture of what the front of the Super 8 looks like.

>>BURGLARY — Caller in the 900 block of North Oak Street reported at 10:35 p.m. Monday that a man not wearing shoes broke into the house and was still inside. An officer responded and arrested the 26-year-old Ukiah man.<<  See, I’m thinking the crime here is trespassing, not burglary.  Clearly, with no shoes, this man was looking for a place to sleep.

Now, for Fort Bragg…

>>PEOPLE IN VAN — Caller in the 1100 block of North Main Street reported at 12:43 p.m. Monday that people were loitering in a gray minivan in the parking lot for the past several hours. An officer checked the area but did not locate the subjects.<<  Let me take this opportunity to pay an homage to the late Chris Farley and say, “didn’t they look DOWN BY THE RIVER???”

>>SPEEDING VEHICLE — Caller in the 1000 block of South Main Street reported at 1:21 a.m. that a vehicle was traveling “80 mph” down the street and was parked at the Circle K.<<  This just makes me all giddy for the much-anticipated roundabout.

>>MAN SHOOTING ARROWS — Citizen reported that a man living just south of the Noyo Bridge was shooting arrows with a bow and s/he was concerned they would hit someone.<<  Like how just the fact of witnessing someone shooting arrows doesn’t raise any red flags.  Just playing cowboys and indians over here, tra-la-la.  Oh, was that your ear?