PERITOPIA!

Sometimes, I wonder who is in charge of our police log — ’cause it’s gotten really weird(er).  Mixed in with the actual crimes (and we have a lot of those) is an array of events that wouldn’t even constitute reportable offenses in Mill Valley.

>>SOMEONE JUMPED OVER FENCE — Caller in the 100 block of Wabash Avenue reported at 1:06 a.m. Saturday that she heard someone jump over her fence. An officer responded and was unable to locate anyone.<<   Someone check if there was a full moon, see if you can locate a cow.

>>DRUNKEN MAN WAS YELLED AT — A highly-intoxicated caller in the 100 block of South Main Street reported at 2:22 a.m. Saturday that someone at the bar yelled at him and he wants to talk to an officer.<<  Shouldn’t it be the other way around?  But, I like it this way because it’s got to be a good sign when drunks start calling the police in the wee hours and someone cares enough to make note of it.  I hope they are going to do this for the stoners — those calls must be awesome.

Willits bypass project dead,\’ officials say

I don’t know what this project was — but I do know that we have the right people in charge.

>>Fifth District Supervisor J. David Colfax suggested getting an update from Congressman Mike Thompson’s office, since Pinches wasn’t at the Monday morning meeting to comment on “how the hell this happened,” because the county’s annual budget hearings started that morning.<<

Isn’t Dan “Not My Hash” Hamburg running for the Fifth District position?  Gosh, I hope so.

Paris Hilton\’s Top Five Excuses and Denials

>>She told cops that she had borrowed the purse with the coke in it from a friend. When asked who the baggie of narcotics belonged to, Hilton said she had never even seen it, but then thought maybe it was gum.<<

This is hilarious.  I hope the folks at Trident are taking notes.  And, clearly, this is something a peep in this county would say upon arrest.  Of course, any peeps here would have also confessed to having the coke — AND the weed — and told the cops they were on probation.  Because, as we know, peep-think goes something like this: “it might not be legal, but that doesn’t make it illegal.  And stuff.  What?”

Hamburg legal battle over marijuana settled

>>Fifth District Supervisor candidate Dan Hamburg recently settled a legal battle that began when Ukiah resident Calvin Walker filed a small-claims case against him July 27. Walker claimed Hamburg owed him $7,500 for six medical marijuana plants he grew in a marijuana garden over six months for himself and Hamburg, because Hamburg “refused” him the plants.<<

Sure, we can be proud of the quality of legal dispute our legislative candidates are involved in — but that just misses the more important details: it was “medical” marijuana (uh-huh) grown in a marijuana “garden” (is that like the Magic Garden?) for “himself and Hamburg” (the campaign team).  Sounds like Hamburg is a perfect representative.  Go, 5th District!

Ukiah man proposes citizen patrol of forest to rid it of marijuana

So, I rarely take a position — well, at least when it comes to legalizing pot — but, on this issue, I got to say no way.  Don’t know how a combination of guns, drugs, dealers and peeps spells anything but violent confrontation ending with, well, let’s just say the bears would like it.  But, I applaud this idea as marketing tool for the tourism industry.  Come out here, enjoy the views, and shoot some criminals when you’re done BBQ’ing.  Just imagine what kind of Americana we can attract with that lure!  As usual, the folks who submit “comments” take the words right out of my mouth — such as “want a bee cop should go back to school for he may be a deed want a bee cop when he comes on my property .”   Who’s talking about patrolling the forest for bees?  I don’t want to be a bee cop — and definitely not a deed one.   I guess we know what is NOT on the application for a gun permit.

>>CAT BURGLARY — Caller in the 100 block of Gibson Street reports at 1:06 p.m. Wednesday that someone known to him broke into his apartment and took his cat.<<

I was going to write about the growing number of “aggressive transients” in our county, but then this story caught my eye. 

>>STOLEN CAR — A driver who left his blinker on too long tipped a patrolling officer to the fact that he was driving a stolen car Tuesday night.

A Los Angeles parolee, later identified as Dwayne Roy Mason, 27, was driving a green 2010 Toyota SUV in the fast lane of Highway 101 north of Willits when Mendocino County Sheriff’s Office Deputy Don Scott, patrolling with his K-9 partner “Hondo,” spotted the SUV with its blinker on “for quite a distance.”

A records check on the vehicle revealed it was reported stolen from the city of Pasadena.

Deputies performed a high-risk stop and found Mason was alone in the car. He gave officers a false name at first, but further investigation revealed his true identity.

Mason told officers he was driving to Eureka to visit family and that a friend had given him the keys to the Toyota, but he couldn’t give the friend’s name or tell the officers where he was when he got the SUV.

“This seemed odd as the vehicle was new and appeared to be very expensive,” the MCSO stated, and Mason refused to answer any further questions about the vehicle.

Mason was arrested on suspicion of possessing stolen property, giving false identification to a peace officer and violating his parole. He was booked at the county jail and is being held without bail.<<

Here are the important takeaways.   First, apparently, leaving your blinker on constitutes probable cause.  I am totally on board with that because the mind can only reel at how many peeps leave their blinkers on all the time, for the entire trip, around here.  “Dude, we’re going to make a left — eventually.”   Second, if you are going to steal a car, at least have a cover story ready because, apparently, peeps are not good at shooting from the hip.   What would have been wrong with “my friend’s name is John.  I picked the car up in L.A.?”  I mean, he was willing to make up a name for himself, after all.  Third, and most importantly, Hondo is a weird name for a dog, but I applaud giving the K-9 partner credit for this coup — even though I’m not sure any of his skills were necessary.  He probably sniffed the car.  Oh, if only Hondo could talk.

I don’t know what is going on — but, our police blotter is starting to read more like a Lost & Found.  Is this the BEST we can do?  They might as well start reporting the undersized abalone catches.

>>SHOPPING CART IN ROAD — Caller reports a shopping cart in the middle of the road in the 100 block of North Bush Street at 4:53 a.m. Monday.<<  Would be funny if this is the address of a Safeway.

>>ORANGE CONE IN  ROAD — Caller reports an orange cone in the middle of the street at the intersection of West Clay and McPeak streets at 1:51 p.m. Monday, with no work crews near it, that is causing a traffic hazard.<<  Is anyone thinking what I am thinking?  Obstacle course!

>>POT PLANTS IN NEIGHBOR’S YARD — Caller reports seeing 20 to 35 pot plants growing in neighbor’s back yard at 3:30 p.m. Monday. Officer contacted the 61-year-old resident, who said that the plants belong to her daughter and they would be removed that evening.<<  Yes, officer, those illegal drugs belong to me, and I sincerely apologize for leaving them out in the open like that.  Love the peeps who make it so easy.

>>ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD STEALING MONEY — Caller in the 1100 block of Mulberry Street at 4:15 p.m. Monday said he wanted to report his 11-year-old daughter is stealing his cash and credit cards.<<  Kind of sad when you have to report your 11-year old to the police, instead of say, disciplining her.  Off to a good start establishing that permanent record, though.  And, who is letting an 11-year old buy stuff on credit?   Hope she’s not getting a mortgage.

>>FANCY PURSE IN ROAD — Caller reports a “fancy purse” in the middle of the road in front of the Big Lots store on South Orchard Avenue at 5:28 p.m. Monday. Officer noted it was not a purse but a make-up bag, and had been run over several times.<<  Ah, an homage to Mill Valley with extraneous details that couldn’t possibly be relevant — not that the purse was all that important to begin with.  But why stop there?  What color was the bag?  Was there make-up inside it?  Did the mascara get all over the road and make a mess?  Wasn’t anyone cited for vandalism — cause that’s what the folks in the MVPD would have done.

>>STOLEN NECKLACE FOUND IN COIN SHOP — Caller reports at 8:26 p.m. Monday finding a necklace at a coin shop that was stolen from his son.<<  Hm, this seems like reporting the resolution of a criminal investigation, not an actual crime.  Although, it is a bit suspicious that the necklace was in a coin shop (unless it was a coin necklace); the coin shop was open at 8:26 p.m.; and the caller wanted to report that his son’s necklace had been found — something I’m sure the officers over at the UPD were breathing a sigh of relief over — and now they can return to their regular duties of clearing miscellaneous objects from the road.

>>DRUNK IN THE DRIVE-THRU — Officer responded to the Jack-In-The-Box on Airport Park Boulevard at 11:11 a.m. Friday after a caller reported a shirtless, drunken man harassing customers in the restaurant’s drive-thru. Subject was counseled and advised, not arrested.<<  See, you’d think that this guy would be guilty of “public intoxication” (which is, sometimes, apparently an actual crime).  Maybe they let him off easy because he was shirtless but not actually inside the restaurant.

>>DRIVE-BY EGGING — Caller reports people in a white SUV and dark sedan were throwing rotten eggs at cars in the 600 block of Holden Street at 9:30 p.m. Friday, hitting her and her car. Vehicles described as possibly a Jeep Cherokee and older model Acura Integra.<<  Seems kind of messy.   If I were going to throw rotten eggs, I would do it standing very still with paper towels on hand.  I would be the Martha Stewart of rotten egg-throwing.

>>PEEING ON BUILDING — Report of a man urinating in front of a building in the 500 block of South State Street at 11:23 p.m. Friday next to a parked dark SUV.<<  So, I saw a man urinating next to his (bright red) car in the middle of a Corte Madera mall parking lot during lunchtime.  Now THAT is actionable peeing.  And he earned my profound respect because of it.  Particularly because the trail of pee went straight from the car to the middle of the parking lot island.  Awesome.

>>NAKED MAN ON BALCONY — Man in the 200 block of West Gobbi Street was observed “naked and touching himself” at 6:01 a.m. Saturday. Submitted voluntarily for mental health care.<<  MV Equivalent: Exactly the same but cited for trespassing.

>>BAG OF DEAD FISH — Bag of dead fish was discovered in the 300 block of Warren Street Saturday at 11:30 a.m.<<  MV Equivaklent: Caller observed bag of dead fish and complained street smelled bad.  Officer investigated.  Cause of death and perpetrator still unknown.   Fish cited for smell.