PERITOPIA!

I don’t know what is going on — but, our police blotter is starting to read more like a Lost & Found.  Is this the BEST we can do?  They might as well start reporting the undersized abalone catches.

>>SHOPPING CART IN ROAD — Caller reports a shopping cart in the middle of the road in the 100 block of North Bush Street at 4:53 a.m. Monday.<<  Would be funny if this is the address of a Safeway.

>>ORANGE CONE IN  ROAD — Caller reports an orange cone in the middle of the street at the intersection of West Clay and McPeak streets at 1:51 p.m. Monday, with no work crews near it, that is causing a traffic hazard.<<  Is anyone thinking what I am thinking?  Obstacle course!

>>POT PLANTS IN NEIGHBOR’S YARD — Caller reports seeing 20 to 35 pot plants growing in neighbor’s back yard at 3:30 p.m. Monday. Officer contacted the 61-year-old resident, who said that the plants belong to her daughter and they would be removed that evening.<<  Yes, officer, those illegal drugs belong to me, and I sincerely apologize for leaving them out in the open like that.  Love the peeps who make it so easy.

>>ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD STEALING MONEY — Caller in the 1100 block of Mulberry Street at 4:15 p.m. Monday said he wanted to report his 11-year-old daughter is stealing his cash and credit cards.<<  Kind of sad when you have to report your 11-year old to the police, instead of say, disciplining her.  Off to a good start establishing that permanent record, though.  And, who is letting an 11-year old buy stuff on credit?   Hope she’s not getting a mortgage.

>>FANCY PURSE IN ROAD — Caller reports a “fancy purse” in the middle of the road in front of the Big Lots store on South Orchard Avenue at 5:28 p.m. Monday. Officer noted it was not a purse but a make-up bag, and had been run over several times.<<  Ah, an homage to Mill Valley with extraneous details that couldn’t possibly be relevant — not that the purse was all that important to begin with.  But why stop there?  What color was the bag?  Was there make-up inside it?  Did the mascara get all over the road and make a mess?  Wasn’t anyone cited for vandalism — cause that’s what the folks in the MVPD would have done.

>>STOLEN NECKLACE FOUND IN COIN SHOP — Caller reports at 8:26 p.m. Monday finding a necklace at a coin shop that was stolen from his son.<<  Hm, this seems like reporting the resolution of a criminal investigation, not an actual crime.  Although, it is a bit suspicious that the necklace was in a coin shop (unless it was a coin necklace); the coin shop was open at 8:26 p.m.; and the caller wanted to report that his son’s necklace had been found — something I’m sure the officers over at the UPD were breathing a sigh of relief over — and now they can return to their regular duties of clearing miscellaneous objects from the road.

>>NAKED MAN ON BALCONY — Man in the 200 block of West Gobbi Street was observed “naked and touching himself” at 6:01 a.m. Saturday. Submitted voluntarily for mental health care.<<  MV Equivalent: Exactly the same but cited for trespassing.

>>BAG OF DEAD FISH — Bag of dead fish was discovered in the 300 block of Warren Street Saturday at 11:30 a.m.<<  MV Equivaklent: Caller observed bag of dead fish and complained street smelled bad.  Officer investigated.  Cause of death and perpetrator still unknown.   Fish cited for smell.

Interestingly, the labels for these crimes are, in fact, actual crimes in Mill Valley.

>>PANTS ON THE GROUND — A 22-year-old Susanville man was arrested on suspicion of using a controlled substance Wednesday at 10:54 p.m. after an officer discovered him sleeping near the dumpsters behind Super Taco and Lucky on East Perkins Street with his pants down.<<

>>LOUD SKATEBOARDERS — A resident in the 1000 block of Bush Street reported at 11:12 p.m. Wednesday that a group of skateboarders was being “extremely loud” for the fourth night in a row.<<

Thought of a new game — let’s check out the police log from the Ukiah Daily Digest and ask ourselves, “What Would the Mill Valley Equivalent Be?”

>>MAN REPORTEDLY DRINKING WITH JUVENILES — Justin M. Settles, 26, was arrested Saturday for allegedly providing alcohol to minors after officers reportedly found him drinking alcohol in the playground area of Yokayo Elementary School on South Dora Street with a 14-year-old boy, a 16-year-old boy and a 13-year-old girl. The juveniles were all arrested on suspicion of possession of alcohol.<<  MV Equivalent: SUSPICIOUS MAN — Caller reported a man wearing a tank top in the vicinity of juveniles.  Officer investigated and found 3 juveniles congregating but could not find man.  Officer advised juveniles to keep the noise down.

>>MAN SLEEPING IN CAR — A resident of the 1100 block of South Dora Street called police at 3:50 a.m. Tuesday after discovering a man had broken one of the windows on his vehicle and was sleeping in the backseat of his car. The suspect – identified as Michael J. Johnson of Ukiah – got out of the vehicle after being awakened, and officers found him two blocks away and arrested him on suspicion of burglary. Johnson had been released from state prison three days prior.<<  MV Equivalent: SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES — Caller reported seeing a man sleeping in a vehicle.  Officer investigated and found a man who said he fell asleep in his car while waiting for his wife to finish shopping.  Officer cited man for being in a car without kids.

>>MUSEUM VANDALIZED — A caller at 5:30 p.m. Wednesday reports graffiti drawn on the Sun House Museum.<<  MV Equivalent: VANDALISM–Caller reported finding a divet on her lawn.  Officer counseled caller not to golf on lawn.

>>STOLEN BICYCLE — A resident in the 600 block of Bush Street reports at 8:05 p.m. Wednesday that a locked bicycle was stolen from a front yard either that morning or the previous night.<<  MV Equivalent: THEFT — Caller reported an iPod stolen from her unlocked vehicle.  Value estimated at $5,700.  Report on file.

>>SEWER OVERFLOWING — A caller at 9:13 p.m. Wednesday reports a sewer cover overflowing at the intersection of North Barnes and West Perkins streets.<<  MV Equivalent: LITTERING — Caller reported seeing trash in a recycle bin.  Officer investigated but could not find trash.  Advice given.

Alas, my time with the Mill Valley Reporter has probably come to an end.  Thankfully, I’m leaving with a lot of material.

>>Advice to Citizen: Whole Foods Market at 5 p.m.  Caller wanted advice regarding subjects protesting against President Obama with signs of him dressed like Hitler.  Caller felt this might incite a riot.  Advice given regarding First Amendment.<<  Excellent, now we can add LEGAL advice to the kinds of advice the folks down at the MV police station are willing to dispense.  As an aside, the notion of anyone rioting in MV is laughable.  And, if they did, it would be because the protesters were blocking the salad station.

>>Vehicle Tampering Report: Blithedale Terrace at 9 a.m.  Caller reported her license plates stolen from her vehicle, sometime in the past two weeks.  Rear plate missing.  Report on file.<<  Gotta love that it took the caller two weeks to notice AND the MV police obviously didn’t.  Because, of course, they were studying for the bar exam, naturally.

>>Advice to Citizen: Sycamore Avenue at 7:45 p.m. Caller reported he received a call on his cell phone stating, “I saw what you did to my dog and I am going to kill you in front of my family.”  Caller didn’t know whom the call came from and wanted officer to listen to message to see if it was credible threat.  Officer gave advice to caller.<<  Um, hope that advice was, only if you did something to someone’s dog.  BTW, a tad weird that the cell phone caller would want to kill the caller in front of his own and not the caller’s family.  He must not like his family very much.  OR maybe they are a family of murderer-avengers — in which case don’t step on their cat.

>>Suspicious Vehicle: Redwood Highway Frontage Road at 3:30 a.m. On routine patrol, officer saw vehicle with one subject.  Contacted subject, who was fishing, caught one striped bass.<<  So, apparently, it is suspicious to be in car alone in MV.  That makes sense.  I mean, I think you are required by law to have at least 3 kids in a car at any one time, from what I’ve seen so far.  Appreciate that the report includes what the subject caught — because I was on the edge of my seat over that one.

>>Miscellaneous Code Violation: Cascade Dam at 4:15 p.m. Caller saw five male juveniles in swim trunks heading toward the dam but it was closed.  Officer advised juveniles of dam closure.”  Ah, another “let’s guess the code violation” entry.  I’m going with five juveniles.  Seems like MV might prohibit 3 or more juveniles congregating in a group — because they would probably make too much noise.

>>SOUNDS FUNNY — A caller in the 100 block of Wabash Avenue reported Friday at 7:21 p.m. that the propane in the garage was making funny noises.<<  This DOES sound funny!

>>SHE-SAID, SHE-SAID — A caller reported  at 6:34 a.m. Friday that a waitress at Henny Penny Restaurant had assaulted her when she went in to use the restroom and buy coffee. The waitress reported the woman tried to punch her. The subjects were advised about trespassing, and no prosecution was desired.<<  They gave advice!  And, in typical fashion for THIS county, it looks like bad advice.  How is this trespassing???  Trespassing on her face maybe.

>>SLEEPING ON PLAZA ROOF — Caller reports a man sleeping on the roof of the Alex Thomas Jr. Plaza at 7:22 a.m. Thursday. Subject cited for camping.<<  Now, see, I would have thought this was trespassing.  But apparently it constituted the illegal activity of “camping.”   Wonder how many camping arrests they made this July 4?

Now Mendocino is even using Mill Valley terminology to label its reportable offenses!  Thankfully, we have a totally different idea of what makes something “suspicious.”

>>SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES — A caller in the 1200 block of Airport Park Boulevard reported Friday at 12:28 p.m. that a man was running behind a tractor supply store and threatening to kill himself, stating he had a knife. Officers took a report.<<  Obviously, what made this suspicious was the man’s location: a tractor supply store.  Hardly the got-to place for sympathy/attention.  And knives — they”re like pliers to those folks.

>>SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES — A caller in the 700 block of South State Street reported Friday at 2:47 p.m. that she wanted to commit suicide and told dispatch she would commit herself to a mental health facility. She was given a courtesy transport to county mental health.<<  What made this suspicious is that she self-reported.  They almost never self-report in Mill Vally.  But, I like how getting to the mental health facility is easier than calling a cab.  Who wants to know what they are serving for dinner?  Unless it’s family dining, then never mind.

>>DISTRESSED PUPPIES — A caller in the 700 block of Village Circle reported Friday at 4:15 p.m. hearing about six puppies howling and yelling in distress at a house on Waugh Lane.<<  Now, we have our fair share of dog whisperers but how did this caller know they were puppies?  And six of them?  And what constitutes “distress” to a puppy that made this reportable?  Maybe someone took away a chew toy.  We’d know if this happened in Mill Valley because two officers would have been dispatched to the scene immediately — unless, of course, someone was mowing a lawn too loudly.

Hah, take this Mill Valley — you might have a lot of reportable “crimes” but you don’t hold a candle to our creativity.  This is what happens when everyone is nice AND stoned.

>>WOMAN YELLING AT CARS — Caller reports a suspicious female wearing a pink tank top yelling at cars Monday at the corner of South Orchard Street and East Gobbi Street at 5:28 p.m.<<  Hope readers realize it’s the pink tank top that made her suspicious, not the yelling at cars.  Cars deserve to be yelled at.  Look how much they’re destroying our planet.

>>MAN TRIED TO RUN WOMAN OVER — Woman in the 100 block of Brush Street reports Monday at 7:25 p.m. that her husband tried to run her over. Officer responded, no arrest made.<<  See, in Mill Valley, not only would an arrest have been made, but also the officer would have given advice.  Guess our law enforcement motto here is “protect, serve, and stuff, what?”

>>LICENSE PLATE PAINTED BLACK — Man in the 400 block of Cypress Avenue reports Tuesday at 7:34 a.m. that his license plate was painted black.<<  You just know it was him.  And, I’m guessing the thought process went something like this: “dude, they can’t follow us if we make the numbers really hard to see.”

>>SAFE STOLEN — Resident in the 1300 block of Laurel Avenue reports at 12:07 p.m. Tuesday that a safe was stolen.<<   Right.  Again, pretty easy to guess the thought process on this one, “dude, we can’t open this.  Let’s just take the whole thing.”

>>FIGHT — Several reports of a fight in progress between two men in the 200 block of North State Street around 12:30 a.m. Thursday. Parties located and transported to the hospital. Also on Thursday, a business owner in the 250 Block of North State Street reported a door broken in.<<

I guess this is what happens when there’s nothing good on TV.   Needless to say, if this had happened in Mill Valley, they would have brought in the National Guard.  Actually, I spent last weekend in Mill Valley and witnessed a motorcycle cop herd cars to clear an intersection.  He was a very grumpy cop — presumably because there was actually something to do that day.  There should be some kind of police station exchange program.  You know, Mill Valley police spend a week in Mott Haven.  Now, THAT would be good TV!

>>One man asked if someone already in business growing marijuana could join the chamber.

“That’s a difficult question,” Mosier said. “We’re going to have to talk about that.”<<

The pot economy: No one seems to know if it exists

Oh, like there isn’t anyone on the Ukiah Chamber of Commerce who doesn’t grow.  But I applaud the effort to elicit transparency in a still illegal commercial activity.  I also applaud the discussion in general because it went in circles and ended up nowhere.  And stuff.  What?