PERITOPIA!

At last, I finally have another entry for my segment entitled, “What If This Happened in Mendocino?” (see March 24, 2009 post): Israel stages biggest-ever war drill

According to this article, the 5- day Israeli drill >>will include simulated rockets, air raids and other attacks on infrastructure and essential facilities, and use of weapons on civilians.<<   OK, there is NO way the Peeps here are going to be able to handle that.  Maybe a few of them will just think they are at a laser light show.  But most of them will assume their weed was laced and go into full blown paranoia.  At that point, you could threaten them with a dart, and they’d surrender and then keep asking you for Doritos.

Also, in the Israeli drill, >>Everyone is expected to go to a protected place at the sound of sirens.<<  OK, we already know what the Peeps do at the sound of sirens: confess.  So, if this drill were here, they’d all just start running around in circles admitting to cultivating marijuana, violating parole and catching undersized abalone.   

Frankly, I have no idea how to “improve our preparedness and national resilience” here, but I’m thinking a drill is not the way to go…UNLESS, by drill, you mean dropping a trail of brownies leading to town hall…

>>ARREST — Sheriff’s deputies were dispatched to a road that forks off of Sherwood Drive to investigate a stabbing and were told that the victim was on his way to the hospital, a Thursday report from the Mendocino County Sheriff’s Office stated. Near the crossing of Primrose Drive and Sherwood Road, police talked to the victim and could see stab wounds on the left side of the 41-year-old man’s torso, the Sheriff’s Office stated. The man told deputies he had been stabbed by William Davenport, 35, of Willits, during an argument. From that time, the victim’s ambulance ride to the hospital continued and deputies went to a Big John Road location, where they found the knife and Davenport, and arrested him on suspicion of attempted murder. According to the Sheriff’s Office, Davenport admitted stabbing the victim during an alcohol-related argument, in which Davenport was also injured.<<

I like how not only does he fail to leave the scene– or dispose of the weapon — but also he admits to stabbing the guy AND adds that they had been drinking.  Well, I guess, ’round here, “illegal” isn’t quite the same thing “not legal.”  And stuff.  What?

>>Marks stopped to urinate along eastbound Highway 20 at the Wadsworth Canal about 5 p.m. Wednesday and had the trunk of his car open. A Sutter County Sheriff’s Department deputy stopped and noticed a strong smell of marijuana, said Hudson.  Marks told the deputy he had only a small amount of marijuana in his glove compartment. But the deputy found 13 packages of hashish in the trunk, Hudson said.<<Highway pit stop nets hashish

I can’t say I am impressed by how EASY the locals make the arresting process.  Perhaps they think there is some extra credit involved.  As in, “dude, it’s not like you had to OPEN the trunk.”  Or, “wow, I could have totally used Febreze, but I didn’t.” Also, may I add, never has it been more clear: one man’s “small amount” is another’s largesse.  Apparently, you can find evidence of truisms just about anywhere.  And what to take away from this story?  Just that the street value of his “load” was $122K.  Tax-free.

Well, I finally bit the bullet and subscribed to Netflix.  And, boy howdy, am I glad that I did…because I now have access to the “Local Favorites for Fort Bragg, CA!”  Sure it won’t surprise anyone (well, except maybe the locals — because they startle easily), this list includes, “Humboldt County.”  Also, it has “The Big Lebowski,” “Encounters at the End of the World” (which is about the South Pole, not Fort Bragg) and, my personal favorite, “The Flowering of Human Consciousness.”   Although, at first blush, I thought this last one was about weed (statistically speaking), it’s actually not, technically.  From the description: “Tolle’s tenets — which focus on increased creativity and higher consciousness by freeing the mind from persistent fears and self-seeking thoughts — promote a universal awakening designed to guide humankind toward a collective evolution.”   All I can say is that I hope collective evolution means Star Trek uniforms.

Oh, it has been a sloooowwww week UNTIL now!

>>REPORT — In the 600 block of South State Street an officer on patrol spotted a car that had rolled out of its parking spot and into another car. The blue Honda was blocking traffic while its driver was likely watching a movie at the Ukiah Theater.<<

How does this happen exactly? Was the car not in its parking gear?  Was it on a really really really steep hill?  Did the other car have a giant magnet?  Given that this happened in Ukiah, I’m just going to assume the car was stoned.

>>ANIMAL – A dog owner in the 200 block of Park Court reported that his dog had killed a wild animal, which was identified as a fox pup. A report was taken for rabbi testing. The dog was said to have been up-to-date on all of its shots.<<

RABBI testing???  Do dogs need to speak Hebrew?   Know the 10 Commandments?  Get bar-mitzvah’ed?  I sure hope so — how else are they going to pay for all those bones?  Glad the County “law enforcement” is on top of this.  And mazel tov to all the religious Rovers!!!  It has to be hard to carry those Torahs without opposable thumbs.

Now, ordinarily, I try to limit my blog commentary to the police reports in Peep County (aka Mendocino).  But last weekend I was handed what has to be the BEST police report section EVER.  It’s in the Ross Valley Reporter, which serves counties in which every single resident is going to get a tax hike next year.  After scanning, it’s pretty obvious the San Anselmo police department doesn’t get many reports because EVERY SINGLE ONE of them is printed.  Here are a few of my favs –  goes without saying, I need to meet the person in charge of the “labels.”

“Suspicious Circumstances: A resident requested that someone check the school plaza on Merwin Avenue at 2:39 a.m.  It sounded like a car running and there were other suspicious noises.”  Hm…what kind of noises?

“Suspicious Circumstances: A woman reported her boyfriend took her car without permission from the Creekside Apartments at 4:08 a.m. She didn’t want to report it stolen and get him in trouble, but she didn’t want him driving it either.”  Think this should have been reported to Dear Abby, not the police.

“Suspicious Circumstances: A group of teenagers was on park benches at the Women’s Club with an older man at 3:36 p.m. There was concern drugs might be involved.  There was no merit to that concern.”  Sounds like a fun place to grow up.

“Noise: There was a complaint of someone punching a punching bag loudly at 12:49 a.m. on Sir Francis Drake Boulevard.”  Does anyone else want to know why there is a punching bag there?

“Generic Call: A child accidentally locked himself in the bathroom at the Robinhood Manor Apartments at 1:34 pm.”  Followed, I’m sure by a cat stuck in a tree…

“Vehicle Accident: A woman reported that her neighbor drove a vehicle through a fence on Arroyo Avenue.”  Nice neighbor.

And, last, but not least, a report that could very easily be made EVERY DAY HERE:

“Suspicious Person: A woman sleeping on a resident’s lawn on Sir Francis Drake Boulevard and swearing at people at 10:04 a.m.”

So, fresh from seeing the new Star Trek movie (which was GREAT), a friend sends me THIS: Trek Passions.  Yes, that’s right, an on-line dating service for Trekkies.

Obviously, I am thrilled beyond belief.  As readers will recall, I could not become a Green Single because I was not willing to engage in Spiritual Dating.  I have a reputation to protect.  So, Trek Passions offers another, different way to find my perfect soul mate!   And, who am I kidding, of course, my perfect soul mate is going to be a Trekkie!!!  And not some wuss-Eco-Trekkie either.  I’m looking for something in a Captain Picard/Klingon.  Make it so.

>>A 20-year-old Willits man was allegedly attacked with a rock and a stick after the occupants of a red vehicle made “gang” comments to him.  Juan Pablo Duran, 21, of Willits, was arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, participation in street gangs and violation of probation, a Friday report from the Mendocino County Sheriff’s Office stated.  About 8:35 a.m. Friday, Sheriff’s deputies came to the area of Trembley Court, south of Willits, on a call that there had been as assault there.  According to the Sheriff’s Office, the victim was outside when the two men that had spoken to him allegedly attacked him with a rock and stick that was wrapped in metal fencing.<<

So, who else wants to know what a “gang” comment is?  Hey, your shirt’s the wrong shade of purple!  Bet you don’t know the super secret handshake!  Wanna’ come over to Joe’s house and beat the sh&t out of his brother — oh, wait, you can’t, you’re not part of the GANG!

So, this is from the “Police Blotter” in Silicon Valley — my old hood.   Probably happens ALL the time here.

>>1000 block of El Camino Real, 2:13 p.m. Tuesday Three people in a red vehicle with a large teddy bear in the back seat were reported to be smoking marijuana.<<