PERITOPIA!

I just want to meet the folks in charge of “summarizing” police reports.  Giving a shout-out to the obviously over-qualified…

>>3100 block of Lakeside Drive, Thursday A Turlock resident who drove three visiting Idaho teens to Santa Cruz, then noticed a gun he kept in his car missing after they parted company in Santa Clara, reported the theft to Santa Clara police. Fearing the trio might be on their way to Turlock, he asked authorities to check on his house. Police obliged and they arrived, the teens were in the process of burglarizing the residence. One was arrested and the other two escaped on foot.<<   You can almost SEE the dialogue!!!  And, obviously, huge lesson here.  If you pick up a hitchhiker AND you have a gun in your car AND they know where you live…well, you’re an idiot.

>>600 block of Lafayette Street, Friday Two people bent on beating up a person they met at a party and attacked him inside his apartment, then were found hiding on a roof afterward and arrested.<<  It takes a keen intellect to see that someone was “bent on” something.  More importantly, how do you hide on a roof?

>>Monroe and Benton streets, Saturday A driver found slumped over the steering wheel of a running vehicle blocking the intersection was unconscious and had an open container of vodka in the vehicle.<<  See, this is where the law comes in.  We don’t KNOW he was unconscious BECAUSE of the vodka.  What if he didn’t have any alcohol in his blood?  He could have been poisoned or suffered a blunt force injury to his head or had a heart attack.  Maybe he just fell asleep.  Or maybe someone was FRAMING him!   Must not jump to conclusions based on the only two details offered by the police blotter!  Although, it does look suspicious…

>>Henderson Place, 8:03 p.m. Monday Four intoxicated men holding court in the backyard of a residence were arrested for trespassing.<<   OK, I want to “hold court.”  What does that entail exactly?   Do you need talking points?  Or a script?  Hopefully, not a PowerPoint.   I kind of imagine something like what Q does…

>>A marijuana grow containing around 9,000 plants was located by investigators and a narcotics unit at around 8 a.m. in Fremont Peak State Park on state Highway 156, according to the Monterey County Sheriff‘s Office.  Deputies reported that no suspects were in the garden at the time of the narcotics operation, which resulted in the eradication of all 9,000 plants, according to the sheriff’s office.  Deputies estimated that the street value of the plants would have been around $36 million.<<

Assuming “eradication” means burned — only one word answers the question “what if this happened here?”  Festival.

I thought what constitutes a crime in Ross Valley and Silicon Valley was a bit odd…but it looks like the wave is spreading North!!!

>>Baxman Gravel was arraigned for being overweight and will be back on July 20 to prove the proper corrections have been made.<<

>>REPORT — About 9:48 p.m. Tuesday, it was reported that the occupants of a red Jeep and a yellow Jeep were shooting squirt guns at each other in the area of North State Street and Low Gap Road. The two went in opposite directions and were counseled on their actions.<<

Sometimes I feel like I live in Romper Room.

I thought, mistakenly, there would be some respite in “crime” in Silicon Valley…but, apparently, NOT!!!   Thank goodness.  Here are some clips of the perps plaguing the Peninsula…

>>Carlyn Avenue, 11:29 p.m. Wednesday A 19-year-old who got out of a vehicle and left the door ajar was arrested after the owner, who witnessed the incident, discovered his cell phone missing.<<   Seems like  more mistake-ish to me…

>>200 block of Marchmont Drive, 10:17 p.m. Wednesday An intruder appeared to have entered a home.<<  How can they tell?  Were the blue socks mixed with the white socks???

>>900 block of Varian Way, 8:26 a.m. Wednesday Someone dumped a large bowl of “old” pasta all over a porch and pair of running shoes.<<  I read this and think, bachelor pad.

>>100 block of Homer Avenue, 11:02 a.m. Wednesday A man was reported to be sitting and blocking the sidewalk.<<  Doesn’t this constitute free speech?  I can sit if I want to…

>>500 block of Hawthorne Court, 6:50 a.m. Thursday A possible prowler was reported.<<   What makes someone a “possible” prowler?  Did he glare in a menacing way???

I hate to admit it, but the “crime” in Silicon Valley might outshine the “crime” in Ross Valley.  Exciting new reports include:

>>13th Street and Oakland Road, 7:50 p.m. Monday Two people who attacked a person with metal chairs as weapons were arrested.<<  AND  >>1600 block of Calabazas Boulevard, July 5 A female struck her brother-in-law with a three-hole paper punch during an argument.<<  AND >>900 block of Pomeroy Avenue, July 6 A person who struck someone with a tire iron was located and arrested in San Jose.<<  Clearly, the Valley is weapons-challenged.

>>3700 block of El Camino Real, July 6 An elderly woman had parked at a bank and was getting out of her car when approached by a male who said he wanted it. He also used profanity. So the woman got back into her car, drove to another bank and reported the incident.<<   So, part of me thinks he said, “F*ck, wish I had an awesome car.”

>>3700 block of Lafayette Street, July 7 A convenience store clerk was restocking the cooler when he observed a male with a gun enter the store, go behind the counter and take some cigarettes. He stayed inside the cooler, finally stepping out about 90 minutes later to call police.<<  That’s Valley resourcefulness!!!  He probably had a beer while waiting.

>>Kiely Boulevard and Homestead Road, Thursday A young man who jumped in front of a passing car, injuring his head and causing the windshield to crack, was treated at a medical facility and charged with vandalism.<<  What part of this constituted vandalism?  The cracked windshield?  Must have been a really awesome car.

>>3300 block of Keller Street, Friday A stolen 53-foot trailer containing 80 all-terrain vehicles was located in San Jose.<<   Wonder what raised suspicions.

>>1840 Benton St., Friday A driver who bumped into a baseball backstop on the sports field at Wilson Adult Education Center was cited for vandalism.<<  OK, clearly, the Valley has an expansive definition of “vandalism.”

>>South Winchester Boulevard, 1:38 a.m. Monday A woman reported to be yelling loudly outside a person”s home was contacted, then arrested when a computer check revealed she had two outstanding warrants.<<  So, if you have outstanding warrants, be very very quiet.

>>1100 block of Guinda Street, 11:47 a.m. Monday. A residence and vehicle were vandalized by someone who left items on the lawn.<<  Probably broken limbs.

>>King Street and Roosevelt Avenue, 8:14 a.m. Monday Two stray dogs — “large chihuahua types” — were reported.<< Isn’t “large chihuahua” an oxymoron?

>>El Camino Real and Brewster Avenue, 4:59 p.m. Monday A driver reported being tailgated by two people in a gold Lexus who were wearing white masks.<<  These were probably just lost Michael Jackson fans.

>>Finger Avenue, 10:12 p.m. Monday A resident told police someone used their body to dent her fence.<<  Vandals.

>>The internal memo from the DA’s Office stated that cases having fewer than 200 plants and/or the amount of processed marijuana involved was less than 20 pounds would be rejected.<<Pot memo reaction: Sheriff says no changes planned

Super helpful of the local “law” to leak this memo.  At first, I thought I heard a fog horn — but then, I realized, it was just the sound of a thousand Peeps breathing a collective sigh of relief.

>>A marijuana raid west of Ukiah Wednesday morning resulted in the arrest of 15 suspects from Israel, Indiana, Michigan, Colorado, and California.<< BREAKING NEWS: Marijuana raids continue

Bet the guys from Israel thought this was just a drill.  ”I laugh at your girlie gun, Sheriff Rusty!”  

BTW, ever wonder how these visiting peeps meet each other?  Facebook?  Craigslist?  eHarmony?   Maybe that’s how they got caught — members of the hard-partying Mendocino Marijuana Eradication Team had online moles.  ”Dude, where did we put those 25,000 plants again, dude?”

I don’t want to suggest for a second that the Ross Valley Reporter “Cop Log” isn’t the BEST thing ever (or that the person who can procure it for me should make it anything but a HIGH priority), but I have to give an honorary shout out to Silicon Valley today.  Here are some highlights:

>>San Tomas Aquino Road and Campbell Avenue, 4:37 p.m. Tuesday A man got into an argument and threatened a person with a knife. The person retaliated and pulled out a bat, which motivated the man to move on.<<  Like how the reporter is adding his/her suppositions about motivation.  Maybe there was a hot dog stand on the corner.  We don’t know…

>>300 block of Middlefield Road, 11:20 a.m. Wednesday A female interrupted a male trying to remove a GPS system from her father”s car.<<  This kind of sounds like a conversation, not a police report.

>>Loucks Avenue, 3:07 p.m. Tuesday A reported residential burglary attempt was determined to be unfounded.<<  BIG news in the Valley?

>>Los Altos Square, 4:56 a.m. Wednesday Suspicious noises were heard.<<  I hear noises all the time!!!  Should I be reporting???

>>Deodora Drive, 4:32 p.m. Tuesday A resident whose home was egged on the Fourth of July excused the holiday prank until vandals struck again Monday night “” this time, covering the front porch, balcony, doors, sidewalks and walkway with eggs.<< Well, you touch his walkway, you touch his…

>>Oak Grove Avenue, 5:01 p.m. Tuesday All the apples were removed from a person”s apple tree.<<  Because, if only a few apples were removed, then it’s like you didn’t even touch his walkway.

>>150 Woodside Plaza, 6:16 p.m. Friday A female at a Ross store foiled a purse-snatcher by refusing to let go.<<  So, this is actually inspirational!!!  Keep that grip strong, ladies!!!  

>>Windsor Way, 4:44 p.m. Monday A bathroom at a residence was “disheveled” overnight.<<   OK, I understand space is limited, but come on!!!  What does disheveled MEAN???  My whole house has been disheveled, but it’s not making news.  Details, details, details.  And I certainly hope eggs are involved.

>>Valota Road, 2:56 a.m. Tuesday A resident reported hearing funny noises in a back bedroom and assured police it wasn”t a pet because her cat was in bed with her.<<  This might be my favorite because of the actual dialogue!!!   So, OK Chief, NOT her cat (check). 

>>2406 El Camino Real, 11:59 a.m. Tuesday A man who removed his clothing in public, peeling off his old garb to reveal fresh secondhand finery underneath, is believed to have lifted his new outfit from the St. Vincent de Paul thrift store across the street.<<  I spoke too soon.  THIS is my favorite.  Possibly ever.  Shout out to the description (“peeling off” and “secondhand finery”).  I smell an English major!

Connecticut cops: Man went naked to dental appointment

Is Connecticut trying to be the Mendocino of the East Coast?  I sure hope so.  But clearly the reporting has to improve.   The interesting part about this story is not that this guy went to the dentist naked (sure that happens ALL the time here) — or that he was 5 days late for his appointment (frankly, I’m surprised anyone here even has a dentist).  The best part of this story is that he failed to comply with fingerprinting.  Obviously, it wasn’t modesty behind his decision.   And it’s not like he couldn’t be identified otherwise (any distinguishing birthmarks? probably — let’s count!).  This kind of charge would NEVER happen here because, well, everybody has already been fingerprinted.  Plus, it doesn’t have the cachet of a “cultivation” charge.