PERITOPIA!

I don’t know what is going on — but, our police blotter is starting to read more like a Lost & Found.  Is this the BEST we can do?  They might as well start reporting the undersized abalone catches.

>>SHOPPING CART IN ROAD — Caller reports a shopping cart in the middle of the road in the 100 block of North Bush Street at 4:53 a.m. Monday.<<  Would be funny if this is the address of a Safeway.

>>ORANGE CONE IN  ROAD — Caller reports an orange cone in the middle of the street at the intersection of West Clay and McPeak streets at 1:51 p.m. Monday, with no work crews near it, that is causing a traffic hazard.<<  Is anyone thinking what I am thinking?  Obstacle course!

>>POT PLANTS IN NEIGHBOR’S YARD — Caller reports seeing 20 to 35 pot plants growing in neighbor’s back yard at 3:30 p.m. Monday. Officer contacted the 61-year-old resident, who said that the plants belong to her daughter and they would be removed that evening.<<  Yes, officer, those illegal drugs belong to me, and I sincerely apologize for leaving them out in the open like that.  Love the peeps who make it so easy.

>>ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD STEALING MONEY — Caller in the 1100 block of Mulberry Street at 4:15 p.m. Monday said he wanted to report his 11-year-old daughter is stealing his cash and credit cards.<<  Kind of sad when you have to report your 11-year old to the police, instead of say, disciplining her.  Off to a good start establishing that permanent record, though.  And, who is letting an 11-year old buy stuff on credit?   Hope she’s not getting a mortgage.

>>FANCY PURSE IN ROAD — Caller reports a “fancy purse” in the middle of the road in front of the Big Lots store on South Orchard Avenue at 5:28 p.m. Monday. Officer noted it was not a purse but a make-up bag, and had been run over several times.<<  Ah, an homage to Mill Valley with extraneous details that couldn’t possibly be relevant — not that the purse was all that important to begin with.  But why stop there?  What color was the bag?  Was there make-up inside it?  Did the mascara get all over the road and make a mess?  Wasn’t anyone cited for vandalism — cause that’s what the folks in the MVPD would have done.

>>STOLEN NECKLACE FOUND IN COIN SHOP — Caller reports at 8:26 p.m. Monday finding a necklace at a coin shop that was stolen from his son.<<  Hm, this seems like reporting the resolution of a criminal investigation, not an actual crime.  Although, it is a bit suspicious that the necklace was in a coin shop (unless it was a coin necklace); the coin shop was open at 8:26 p.m.; and the caller wanted to report that his son’s necklace had been found — something I’m sure the officers over at the UPD were breathing a sigh of relief over — and now they can return to their regular duties of clearing miscellaneous objects from the road.

>>NAKED MAN ON BALCONY — Man in the 200 block of West Gobbi Street was observed “naked and touching himself” at 6:01 a.m. Saturday. Submitted voluntarily for mental health care.<<  MV Equivalent: Exactly the same but cited for trespassing.

>>BAG OF DEAD FISH — Bag of dead fish was discovered in the 300 block of Warren Street Saturday at 11:30 a.m.<<  MV Equivaklent: Caller observed bag of dead fish and complained street smelled bad.  Officer investigated.  Cause of death and perpetrator still unknown.   Fish cited for smell.

Interestingly, the labels for these crimes are, in fact, actual crimes in Mill Valley.

>>PANTS ON THE GROUND — A 22-year-old Susanville man was arrested on suspicion of using a controlled substance Wednesday at 10:54 p.m. after an officer discovered him sleeping near the dumpsters behind Super Taco and Lucky on East Perkins Street with his pants down.<<

>>LOUD SKATEBOARDERS — A resident in the 1000 block of Bush Street reported at 11:12 p.m. Wednesday that a group of skateboarders was being “extremely loud” for the fourth night in a row.<<

Thought of a new game — let’s check out the police log from the Ukiah Daily Digest and ask ourselves, “What Would the Mill Valley Equivalent Be?”

>>MAN REPORTEDLY DRINKING WITH JUVENILES — Justin M. Settles, 26, was arrested Saturday for allegedly providing alcohol to minors after officers reportedly found him drinking alcohol in the playground area of Yokayo Elementary School on South Dora Street with a 14-year-old boy, a 16-year-old boy and a 13-year-old girl. The juveniles were all arrested on suspicion of possession of alcohol.<<  MV Equivalent: SUSPICIOUS MAN — Caller reported a man wearing a tank top in the vicinity of juveniles.  Officer investigated and found 3 juveniles congregating but could not find man.  Officer advised juveniles to keep the noise down.

>>MAN SLEEPING IN CAR — A resident of the 1100 block of South Dora Street called police at 3:50 a.m. Tuesday after discovering a man had broken one of the windows on his vehicle and was sleeping in the backseat of his car. The suspect – identified as Michael J. Johnson of Ukiah – got out of the vehicle after being awakened, and officers found him two blocks away and arrested him on suspicion of burglary. Johnson had been released from state prison three days prior.<<  MV Equivalent: SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES — Caller reported seeing a man sleeping in a vehicle.  Officer investigated and found a man who said he fell asleep in his car while waiting for his wife to finish shopping.  Officer cited man for being in a car without kids.

>>MUSEUM VANDALIZED — A caller at 5:30 p.m. Wednesday reports graffiti drawn on the Sun House Museum.<<  MV Equivalent: VANDALISM–Caller reported finding a divet on her lawn.  Officer counseled caller not to golf on lawn.

>>STOLEN BICYCLE — A resident in the 600 block of Bush Street reports at 8:05 p.m. Wednesday that a locked bicycle was stolen from a front yard either that morning or the previous night.<<  MV Equivalent: THEFT — Caller reported an iPod stolen from her unlocked vehicle.  Value estimated at $5,700.  Report on file.

>>SEWER OVERFLOWING — A caller at 9:13 p.m. Wednesday reports a sewer cover overflowing at the intersection of North Barnes and West Perkins streets.<<  MV Equivalent: LITTERING — Caller reported seeing trash in a recycle bin.  Officer investigated but could not find trash.  Advice given.

Alas, my time with the Mill Valley Reporter has probably come to an end.  Thankfully, I’m leaving with a lot of material.

>>Advice to Citizen: Whole Foods Market at 5 p.m.  Caller wanted advice regarding subjects protesting against President Obama with signs of him dressed like Hitler.  Caller felt this might incite a riot.  Advice given regarding First Amendment.<<  Excellent, now we can add LEGAL advice to the kinds of advice the folks down at the MV police station are willing to dispense.  As an aside, the notion of anyone rioting in MV is laughable.  And, if they did, it would be because the protesters were blocking the salad station.

>>Vehicle Tampering Report: Blithedale Terrace at 9 a.m.  Caller reported her license plates stolen from her vehicle, sometime in the past two weeks.  Rear plate missing.  Report on file.<<  Gotta love that it took the caller two weeks to notice AND the MV police obviously didn’t.  Because, of course, they were studying for the bar exam, naturally.

>>Advice to Citizen: Sycamore Avenue at 7:45 p.m. Caller reported he received a call on his cell phone stating, “I saw what you did to my dog and I am going to kill you in front of my family.”  Caller didn’t know whom the call came from and wanted officer to listen to message to see if it was credible threat.  Officer gave advice to caller.<<  Um, hope that advice was, only if you did something to someone’s dog.  BTW, a tad weird that the cell phone caller would want to kill the caller in front of his own and not the caller’s family.  He must not like his family very much.  OR maybe they are a family of murderer-avengers — in which case don’t step on their cat.

>>Suspicious Vehicle: Redwood Highway Frontage Road at 3:30 a.m. On routine patrol, officer saw vehicle with one subject.  Contacted subject, who was fishing, caught one striped bass.<<  So, apparently, it is suspicious to be in car alone in MV.  That makes sense.  I mean, I think you are required by law to have at least 3 kids in a car at any one time, from what I’ve seen so far.  Appreciate that the report includes what the subject caught — because I was on the edge of my seat over that one.

>>Miscellaneous Code Violation: Cascade Dam at 4:15 p.m. Caller saw five male juveniles in swim trunks heading toward the dam but it was closed.  Officer advised juveniles of dam closure.”  Ah, another “let’s guess the code violation” entry.  I’m going with five juveniles.  Seems like MV might prohibit 3 or more juveniles congregating in a group — because they would probably make too much noise.

>>SOUNDS FUNNY — A caller in the 100 block of Wabash Avenue reported Friday at 7:21 p.m. that the propane in the garage was making funny noises.<<  This DOES sound funny!

>>SHE-SAID, SHE-SAID — A caller reported  at 6:34 a.m. Friday that a waitress at Henny Penny Restaurant had assaulted her when she went in to use the restroom and buy coffee. The waitress reported the woman tried to punch her. The subjects were advised about trespassing, and no prosecution was desired.<<  They gave advice!  And, in typical fashion for THIS county, it looks like bad advice.  How is this trespassing???  Trespassing on her face maybe.

>>SLEEPING ON PLAZA ROOF — Caller reports a man sleeping on the roof of the Alex Thomas Jr. Plaza at 7:22 a.m. Thursday. Subject cited for camping.<<  Now, see, I would have thought this was trespassing.  But apparently it constituted the illegal activity of “camping.”   Wonder how many camping arrests they made this July 4?

Now Mendocino is even using Mill Valley terminology to label its reportable offenses!  Thankfully, we have a totally different idea of what makes something “suspicious.”

>>SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES — A caller in the 1200 block of Airport Park Boulevard reported Friday at 12:28 p.m. that a man was running behind a tractor supply store and threatening to kill himself, stating he had a knife. Officers took a report.<<  Obviously, what made this suspicious was the man’s location: a tractor supply store.  Hardly the got-to place for sympathy/attention.  And knives — they”re like pliers to those folks.

>>SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES — A caller in the 700 block of South State Street reported Friday at 2:47 p.m. that she wanted to commit suicide and told dispatch she would commit herself to a mental health facility. She was given a courtesy transport to county mental health.<<  What made this suspicious is that she self-reported.  They almost never self-report in Mill Vally.  But, I like how getting to the mental health facility is easier than calling a cab.  Who wants to know what they are serving for dinner?  Unless it’s family dining, then never mind.

>>DISTRESSED PUPPIES — A caller in the 700 block of Village Circle reported Friday at 4:15 p.m. hearing about six puppies howling and yelling in distress at a house on Waugh Lane.<<  Now, we have our fair share of dog whisperers but how did this caller know they were puppies?  And six of them?  And what constitutes “distress” to a puppy that made this reportable?  Maybe someone took away a chew toy.  We’d know if this happened in Mill Valley because two officers would have been dispatched to the scene immediately — unless, of course, someone was mowing a lawn too loudly.

Looks like “crime” in Mendocino County is becoming more and more like “crime” in Mill Valley every day.  I am taking it as a sign of economic recovery.

>>UNFRIENDLY PIT BULL – A man reported that he tried to pet a pit bull around 3:30 p.m. Tuesday in the 400 block of Pomolita Drive and it bit him on the boot.<<  Note to self: don’t try to pet pit bulls.

>>DRUNKEN HUSBAND – A woman in the 200 block of Mason Street asked police to remove her husband from her house for the night. She said he had been drinking and hit her head against the wall. The responding officer noted that the woman had been drinking as well.<<  New business opportunity — spousal removal!

“Crime” in Mill Valley was crazy in February.  I counted 25 “reportable offenses” (and, for those new to this blog, that includes things like tailgating, fighting with a spouse or neighbor, sleeping in bushes and making too much noise).  So, here we go — because I can’t resist.

>>Suspicious Person: Wordsworth Court at 10:30 am.  Caller reported a black or Hispanic male opening carport doors and looking in.  Officer responded and contacted male subject, who was a PG&E worker checking meters.  No merit.<<  Obviously, being black or Hispanic makes you suspicious in MV — but that just begs the question, how do you make yourself unsuspicious?Walk around with a pool sweeper or a gardening hose?  Keep asking for directions?  Hire a posse?

>>Penal Code Violation: Alvarado Avenue and Del Casa Drive at 9 pm  Caller stated while in the hot tub he and his wife saw someone taking pictures of them.  No flash seen but heard person running away.  Officer responded and found a camera placed over a gate near the hot tub.  Report on file.<<  The scene of this “crime” must have been special.  Something tells me they didn’t get out of the hot tub.

>>Assist Fire: Sunnycrest Avenue and Mono Way at midnight.  Caller was requesting being brought back to Marin General Hospital to have her IV unit removed from her arm.  Caller transported to hospital.<<  OK, there seem to be only two possibilities here. Either, this is an example of hospital negligence — but I doubt hospitals discharge patients at midnight — OR the caller escaped from the hospital — in which case, why would she want to go back?  And can’t you just remove an IV unit on your own anyway?  We really would benefit from knowing the back story here.

>>Parking Complaint/Violation: Mill Valley Community Center at 8 am.  Anonymous caller reported a vehicle parked in the handicapped spot.  Caller was extremely upset that the vehicle had Nevada license plates but a California disabled placard.  Officer responded — no merit.<<  At last, confirmation that you can be disabled anywhere without having to register your vehicle there.  But don’t think it’s going unnoticed in MV because, well, nothing does.

>>Assist Citizen: Boyle Park at 10:30 am  Caller was involved in an accident and was requesting to speak to an officer as the other driver gave her expired insurance information.  Caller was now worried about it.  Advice given.<<  Yet another instance of the MV police fulfilling their motto (at least, the one I gave them) “to serve, protect, and counsel.”

>>Civil Problem/Dispute: Public Safety Building at 9:15 am  Female subject came into the station to report that she was being chased and felt she’s being stalked.  Male subject followed her into station and he said female is constantly reporting false allegations.  Advice given.<<   These two must be fun at parties.   The MV police must spend a lot of time asking, “WTF?”

>>Disturbance — Verbal: Miller Avenue at 12:20 pm.  Argument between husband and wife over money, phone, and separation.  No injuries.  Officer asked subjects to agree to get along for now.<<  Marriage counseling!  BTW, is it me, or does this sound like dinner conversation, not a reportable offense?  But we’ve already established you can report just about anything in Mill Valley, as long as it disturbs someone’s mellow.  Like this one:>>Family Disturbance: Mesa Avenue and Alta Vista Avenue at 4 pm  Caller reported her son was threatening the family with violence.  Son was yelling and throwing things.  Officer counseled son.<<  Must be great to be a teenager in MV, as long as you don’t make any noise.

>>Suspicious Circumstance: Miller Avenue at 8:45 pm.  Caller stated his wife came home and saw someone in the garage with a flashlight going through boxes.  Wife confronted him and he said he was a friend of the next-door neighbors and introduced himself and shook her hand.  Officer responded and spoke with neighbor, who identified male subject as his houseguest and said he was helping unload tools and he must have been confused as to which garage to put them away in.  No merit to burglary.<<   What, don’t ALL burglars in MV introduce themselves and shake your hand?  Come to think of it, they probably do.

>>Petty-Theft Report: Cypress Avenue at 10:45 am.  Caller reported sometime overnight her unlocked vehicle was entered and her wallet was stolen.  Debit card used already.  Report on file.<<  I hope this is just an inadvertent omission of the usual “advice given” because someone must have told this caller, “lock your car.”  See also >>Petty-Theft Report: Edgewood Avenue at 3 pm.  Caller reported sometime overnight her unlocked vehicle was gone through and a $250 iPod was taken.  Report on file.<<  BTW, only in MV could someone manage to pay $250 for an iPod.

>>Health and Safety Violation: Mill Valley Community Center at 12:30 am.  Caller reported a group of five adults in front of the aquatic building smoking weed.  There was an adult party going on and caller wanted the group contacted.  Officers arrived and checked area, but unable to locate subjects.<<  I applaud the use of the technical term “smoking weed” for this offense.

>>Noise Disturbance: Elm Avenue at 9:15 am.  Caller said neighbor was using a chain saw to cut wood and he wanted it stopped.  Caller made same report yesterday and was told there was no violation.  Advice given.<<  I am fairly certain — because this involves noise — it is a violation in MV.   At a minimum, it falls under the category of “vandalism” — just like spilling things, messing up grass, and putting your handprint on a window.

>>Petty-Theft Report: Safeway market at 1 pm.  Caller reported that two days ago his unlocked vehicle was entered and 30 tables of Vicodin were taken.  Report on file.<<  Guess it took him two days to notice.  Who would report such a thing anyway?  Unless he wanted a reason to go back to his doctor and get more.

>>Grand-Theft Report: Miller Avenue at 6:30 pm.  Caller reported that two hampers full of clothes were taken from her carport.  Approximate value of $100.  No report necessary, just wanted police to know and requested extra patrol.  Advice given.<<  You gotta’ wonder why this is “grand theft.”  And, aren’t these MV folks considerate, letting police know without having to go to the effort of filing a report?  Really frees up more time for counseling.

>>Disturbance — Verbal: Champagne French Bakery at 3:34 pm.  Caller had an altercation with a dog and a passing male.  The male was very aggressive.  Caller stated the male and his daughter were in front of the restaurant with the small dog and then hung up.<<  This is the caller who needs Vicodin.

Well, thank goodness, “crime” is pretty much the same in Ross Valley as Mill Valley — and, by same, I mean virtually non-existent.  Once again, the Ross Valley “police” seem to act more like therapists than law enforcement officers — bless their souls.  (PS–am going to find another topic to blog about shortly–it’s just nothing else seems to make me laugh as hard).

>>Disturbance: A resident on Ross Avenue was trying to sleep, but her roommate continued to argue with her at 6 a.m.  An officer remained on the scene until one of them fell asleep.<<  Wow, I had no idea the police will actually do this — obviously, the officer had time to spare.  I hope he or she got to raid the refrigerator and conduct illegal search and seizures as a perk.

>>Noise: A resident on Ross Avenue reported her boyfriend was being loud and was going to wake up the neighbors.  Officer responded and contacted both parties.  Both agreed to stop talking to each other for the night.<<  I’m going to assume this critical intervention took place over the phone.  I wonder how pathetic you have to be to call the police so they can tell you to shut up and go to bed?

>>Disturbing the Peace: A juvenile reported having been hit in the face by his mother on Sunnyhills Drive at 12:43 a.m.  Officer responded and a report was taken.  Later, Police Department was called again and the juvenile was arrested and booked in the Marin County Juvenile Hall for assault.<<  OK, I love how the so-called crime here was “disturbing the peace” — taking a page right out of Mill Valley!  Look, you guys can hurt each other all you want, just stop calling us!  You’re disturbing our mellow, dude.

>>Threats: A resident received a threatening message on a cell phone.<<  Ooooooo, creepy.  One possibility leaps to mind: “call me back — or I will REPORT you.”

>>Juveniles: Approximately eight juveniles and three adults were reported to be tearing up new sod in the playground on Butterfield Road at 1:48 p.m.  There was no merit to any crime.<<   WHAT???  Excuse me, police, but I believe, if you go and check the Ross Valley Penal Code, you will most definitely find that this constitutes VANDALISM.

>>Suspicious Circumstances: A man was apparently sleeping on the sidewalk on Forbes Avenue at 7:08 p.m. He was not under the influence of alcohol and was abated.<<  Now, you see, we’ve established many times that you cannot simply sleep on the sidewalk in Ross Valley or Mill Valley — even if you are just very tired.  And, let this report serve as a warning to anybody who tries — sleep and be ABATED.  As an aside, “abate” actually means “to make less active or intense.”  What kind of sleeping was this man doing anyway?

>>Suspicious Vehicle: There was a report of a slow-moving RV on Sir Francis Drake Boulevard at 7:49 a.m.  Officer observed it and it was driving with the flow of traffic.<<  Interesting report.  Would it have been okay if the RV had been going too fast?  Given the time, I’m guessing this report was made by a Type-A+ person.

>>Suspicious Circumstances: A resident on Sir Francis Drake Boulevard believed someone entered his residence and turned his heater off.<<  There are no such things as favors in Ross Valley.  Everything (literally) is “suspicous.”

>>Noise: There was a loud group of people on the soccer field on Belle Avenue at 9:19 p.m.  Officer contacted a group of juveniles playing soccer, who hadn’t noticed the time.<<  Didn’t notice the time?  A likely story.  Look, everyone knows you can’t have to much fun in Mill Valley — unless you do it very, very quietly — otherwise, you’ll get ABATED.

>>Suspicious Circumstances: A resident found a counterfeit $20 on Red Hill Avenue at 9:25 a.m.<<  I think what is suspicious is how the resident knew it was counterfeit.  I mean, and I’m just guessing, anything less than certainty, and we probably wouldn’t be reading about it — unless it was making noise.

>>Road Rage: A car was following another car closely, honking and flashing the lights, on Sir Francis Drake Boulevard at 5:52 p.m.<<  Obviously, this was the slow-moving RV reporter on his/her way home.  Or, it could have easily been me.