PERITOPIA!

Well, thank goodness, “crime” is pretty much the same in Ross Valley as Mill Valley — and, by same, I mean virtually non-existent.  Once again, the Ross Valley “police” seem to act more like therapists than law enforcement officers — bless their souls.  (PS–am going to find another topic to blog about shortly–it’s just nothing else seems to make me laugh as hard).

>>Disturbance: A resident on Ross Avenue was trying to sleep, but her roommate continued to argue with her at 6 a.m.  An officer remained on the scene until one of them fell asleep.<<  Wow, I had no idea the police will actually do this — obviously, the officer had time to spare.  I hope he or she got to raid the refrigerator and conduct illegal search and seizures as a perk.

>>Noise: A resident on Ross Avenue reported her boyfriend was being loud and was going to wake up the neighbors.  Officer responded and contacted both parties.  Both agreed to stop talking to each other for the night.<<  I’m going to assume this critical intervention took place over the phone.  I wonder how pathetic you have to be to call the police so they can tell you to shut up and go to bed?

>>Disturbing the Peace: A juvenile reported having been hit in the face by his mother on Sunnyhills Drive at 12:43 a.m.  Officer responded and a report was taken.  Later, Police Department was called again and the juvenile was arrested and booked in the Marin County Juvenile Hall for assault.<<  OK, I love how the so-called crime here was “disturbing the peace” — taking a page right out of Mill Valley!  Look, you guys can hurt each other all you want, just stop calling us!  You’re disturbing our mellow, dude.

>>Threats: A resident received a threatening message on a cell phone.<<  Ooooooo, creepy.  One possibility leaps to mind: “call me back — or I will REPORT you.”

>>Juveniles: Approximately eight juveniles and three adults were reported to be tearing up new sod in the playground on Butterfield Road at 1:48 p.m.  There was no merit to any crime.<<   WHAT???  Excuse me, police, but I believe, if you go and check the Ross Valley Penal Code, you will most definitely find that this constitutes VANDALISM.

>>Suspicious Circumstances: A man was apparently sleeping on the sidewalk on Forbes Avenue at 7:08 p.m. He was not under the influence of alcohol and was abated.<<  Now, you see, we’ve established many times that you cannot simply sleep on the sidewalk in Ross Valley or Mill Valley — even if you are just very tired.  And, let this report serve as a warning to anybody who tries — sleep and be ABATED.  As an aside, “abate” actually means “to make less active or intense.”  What kind of sleeping was this man doing anyway?

>>Suspicious Vehicle: There was a report of a slow-moving RV on Sir Francis Drake Boulevard at 7:49 a.m.  Officer observed it and it was driving with the flow of traffic.<<  Interesting report.  Would it have been okay if the RV had been going too fast?  Given the time, I’m guessing this report was made by a Type-A+ person.

>>Suspicious Circumstances: A resident on Sir Francis Drake Boulevard believed someone entered his residence and turned his heater off.<<  There are no such things as favors in Ross Valley.  Everything (literally) is “suspicous.”

>>Noise: There was a loud group of people on the soccer field on Belle Avenue at 9:19 p.m.  Officer contacted a group of juveniles playing soccer, who hadn’t noticed the time.<<  Didn’t notice the time?  A likely story.  Look, everyone knows you can’t have to much fun in Mill Valley — unless you do it very, very quietly — otherwise, you’ll get ABATED.

>>Suspicious Circumstances: A resident found a counterfeit $20 on Red Hill Avenue at 9:25 a.m.<<  I think what is suspicious is how the resident knew it was counterfeit.  I mean, and I’m just guessing, anything less than certainty, and we probably wouldn’t be reading about it — unless it was making noise.

>>Road Rage: A car was following another car closely, honking and flashing the lights, on Sir Francis Drake Boulevard at 5:52 p.m.<<  Obviously, this was the slow-moving RV reporter on his/her way home.  Or, it could have easily been me.